Lessons from Heartbreak

“Of all the things I should’ve said That I never said All the things we should’ve done Though we never did All the things I should’ve given but I didn’t.”

Kate Bush/Maxwell – “This Women’s Work”

“So, hold on, breathe in, breathe out You learned to live without, and no light can change it now.”

Fred Again – Kahan (Last Year)

This is something that everyone experiences, but there is no true teacher or guide to fully navigate. Sure, heartbreak in the romantic is something everyone goes through, but it truly is an experience where you evaluate every decision up until that moment. Heartbreak does not have to be in a romantic sense. Heartbreak can take form in the shape of family, friends, or the end of a pivotal time in someone’s life from the end of school or a change in a career. Heartbreak can sting, but it molds people. Heartbreak brings on periods of navigating grief and sadness which can seem to go on without end without a viable solution.

One minute, you are planning hangouts and meeting their friends, but sometimes things take a left turn and the relationship falters and ends, and leaves people wondering how something that felt so good end up ended collapsing out of the blue. It’s not the fault of anyone, sometimes we’re not meant to work out for a multitude of reasons. As Beyonce said in her song Sandcastles, “Every Promise Doesn’t work out that way.”

In my life, romantic relationships have led to mostly heartbreak. I admit, for one to wear my heart on my sleeve and feel emotions deeply when things don’t work out. Sometimes that has led me to second-guess myself in who I am and what I bring to the table in the past. In an act of building strong self-worth through thoughts and activities, I’m learning that not everyone or everybody I meet is meant for me but honestly, this perspective comes from experience. Over the past 5 years, I experience different results of dating and let me tell you the streets are real. In a Brave New World of dating, it feels like I experience every facet of dating from ghosting to failed relationships, the rough 1st date conversations to drawn-out talks over apps that lead nowhere. Heck, one 1st date was so underwhelming, and the conversation was so rough that my date left the table walked away an hour into the date, and left me at the table by myself.  A group of elderly folks looked at me and I got red with straight embarrassment.

This feeling of feeling ready to date in your mid to late 20s while seeing friends and family form deep relationships, get married, and start families creates a duality of the joy of being very happy for friends and family of having deep lasting relationships or partnerships, but creating pressure on yourself for your own past dating mistakes and failures as to why you do not have the perfect relationship in your own eyes. This kind of pressure leads to a running-of-time mentality to find the perfect person, the perfect career path by your late 20s or early 30s, or else if you missed that timeframe, you’re on the hook forever from friends and family on what is the next step for you.

The weight of all the relationship talk reminds me of Season 4 of Love Is Blind which was prominent for me in understanding there are different pathways to love with emphasis on the couple Brett and Tiffany. Both had faced heartbreak and tragedy with family in their 20s that prevented them from setting aside time to date. Both took time to work on both their careers and lives and leaving relationships on the back burner. To find each other and pods and build upon shared experiences and find love and joy in a manner that worked for them. Seeing them come together showed me everyone’s relationship journey is different and comparing yourself to other people serves you no purpose.

“Heartaches just don’t, don’t last forever.  But it’s a lonely road. A road we all must travel. Once before we go.”

Bill Withers – Heartbreak Road

Nothing can really prepare you rejection in dating, I experienced it before, during, and after the pandemic in different variations. And will most likely experience it again. Listening to music on romance and heartbreak in a variety of different genres frames heartbreak as a sad time, but a choice to reclaim who you really are.

For instance, within my dating life, I never prioritized having a good steady work/life balance and my fears regarding work and pushing forward with my career hindered potential relationships I had with others fearing I could not take time away or shut off of work mode. It took listening to a song by Soul singer William Bell featured in the movie Malcolm and Marie that stopped me dead in my tracks and made me realize it can’t be all work all the time.

“Oh, I have been working for you doing all I can…but working all the time didn’t make me a man.”

–William Bell, I Forgot to Be Your Lover

This time of heartbreak in my life has allowed me to start thinking of my own actual worth and working and valuing my skills and qualities and bringing that to the table. That is not to say there was a lot of grieving in the process, but I am learning that sadness brings joy of thing who I am again without needing someone to like me. For too long I always thought dating was I want the other person to like me but learning to grow within myself to know if I like them. I am reminded of a 90s pop song Save the Best for Last from singer and model Vanessa Williams, “Sometimes the very thing your looking for is the one thing you can’t see.”

This means you may be well-intentioned to find a relationship, or romance on a dating app, but realizing it did not turn out the way you wanted is not the end of the world. All it means you found someone that was not meant for you. You take all the good and bad experiences and use it as fuel to make sure yourself into the person you want to be when the right person will come into your life.

“I could see tomorrow, no one tells you about the Sorrow.”

Al Green – How Can You Mend a Broken Heart

What also comes out of heartbreak is learning and working on how to forgive the person or people that hurt you in the midst of rejection or breakup. But more importantly, learning to find forgiveness within yourself given the situation. Learning forgiveness also takes knowing your power to break something off and walk away. It also means taking time away before being ready for an actual relationship.

To take an example, for people that have watched Abbott Elementary, seeing the relationship between Janine and Gregory ebb and flow through two seasons shows both have a lot to work on themselves before being in an actual relationship. They have gone through different relationships over the course of two school years, one would think they would ended together at this point. Janine realized that she needed time to work on herself being more assertive and before being with anyone else after being with Tariq for a long time. This is time for Janine to know who she was without being in a relationship. As for Gregory, he needs to learn how to be alone as well and address his relationship with his father.  

I am learning to find a love within me that puts myself first and finding joy in my interests, passions, and hobbies. Pursuing new interests has been a catalyst to seek out meeting new people whether this be through dancing, trivia, or talking about music through live shows and concerts. This has led me to find commonality with people I never thought I would have and build the patchwork of community through the people I meet. I’m still working on myself to be ready to date and will be so great to find someone to share my interests and passions and she will share her interests, joys, and passions with me sometime down the road. I’m not perfect or desire to be a perfectionist, in fact, I am a work in progress, as well as the other people I have met on my dating journey. I have made mistakes and failed, but all comes to knowing who I am and the joys I have to share with people. Through all of this, the women I’ve met on my relationship/dating journey have made me stronger as a man to be ready for the right person.

“My sense of understanding been collapsing
This thing called life’s more than I imagined…. One step forward, two steps backwards
But everything comes back better than imagined.”

Sylvan LaCue & Xavier Omar – Distractions”